Assume Nothing, Ask (If Appropriate) - LGBTQ+ Inclusion
Want to be more inclusive to LGBTQ+ colleagues and employees in your workplace?
Our founder Madelaine Jones talks about how assumptions make life difficult for LGBTQ+ people, and how to avoid them.
When I was a child, one of my mum’s favourite sayings was “don’t assume; it’ll make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’”. I always thought it was just one of those witty things that parents say, a snappy way of remembering that if you assume something, you’ll end up looking pretty silly when you realise you got it wrong. But the older I’ve got, the more I’ve realised it’s not only useful general advice, but absolutely key when dealing with Equity, Diversity and Inclusion - and especially the less visible aspects of identity that this covers.
As a bisexual woman, people assume things about me and my sexuality all the time. Because I live with a male partner, people tend to assume I’m straight, and look confused when I ask about LGBTQ+ networks and resources. If I mention I’m going to Pride, people assume I’m lesbian, and get in a tangle when I mention going on a date with a man. Some less culturally sensitive members of past teams (to put it diplomatically) have openly shared their assumptions about what it means to be a bisexual woman in the 21st century - the kind of assumptions I don’t need to elaborate on here in a professional space, but you can use your imaginations…
Even though I am part of a minority community, I personally don’t experience a vast amount of obvious discrimination on a daily basis. That’s partly thanks to the efforts of the brave members of the community throughout the last 50 years fighting to improve our rights, and partly because I acknowledge I have a lot of ‘passing privilege’ as a feminine woman whose partner is male. But even for me, who is by all accounts mostly shielded from the worst bits, this constant feeling of assumption makes you feel very much on the outside.
The problem is that fundamentally, assumption is built on stereotypes. We assume people’s sexuality, because we think that only people who act in XYZ way tend to have those aspects to their identity. Some of this has been learnt implicitly over decades until you just unconsciously do this, and cannot be unpicked straight away. But what we consciously choose to do when we have those moments is absolutely something we can control.
So how can we avoid this?
Now this is the point where you’ve probably assumed I’ll tell you to just ask whether people are LGBTQ+, what their sexualities, pronouns, genders and various other aspects of their identities are. But it’s not quite that simple. Just in the same way as you wouldn’t go up to someone with a different skin colour you’ve never met and ask them what their ethnicity is, treating (potentially) LGBTQ+ people as tick-boxes with an opening interview when you meet is problematic in a number of ways. There might be times and places where it’s appropriate to ask some or all of these things, depending on the context and how well you know the person in question. But it could be inappropriate for a number of reasons, including that some people might not be out in the workplace. I am openly bisexual, but I know a number of people who are trans, gay, non-binary and other LGBTQ+ identities who just don’t feel comfortable sharing that at work. Asking someone directly means they either have to lie or share something they’re not ready to share. So what is the solution? Well, as I see it, there are two things people can do to make workplaces less assumption-heavy for LGBTQ+ people.
Unpack your own assumptions
The first one is to unpack your own assumptions. The next time you find yourself assuming that someone is gay, straight, trans, cisgender, a ‘she’ or a ‘he’ or a ‘they’, ask yourself why you think that is the case. Don’t judge yourself for jumping to that conclusion (we all have unconscious assumptions to unpick), but do question it, and question whether it is a helpful thing to assume or not (in my experience, it rarely is). If it is appropriate to ask, for example if you need to know what pronoun to use to address someone, ask politely. And if it’s not necessary? Don’t ask - they’ll tell you if they want to. It’s not their problem to satisfy your curiosity, and when or if they’re ready to share, avoid the pitfall of chipping in to say what you thought their identity was.
Show you’re doing the work
The second one is to show you’re doing the work to unpack your own assumptions to your colleagues, regardless of if they’re openly LGBTQ+ or not. Share books and articles you’ve read about the topic. Talk about your own experiences in people assuming things about you that weren’t true, as far as you’re comfortable doing so. If you see someone else making an assumption* or commenting in a way that’s full of stereotypes, find a way to tactfully challenge them, whether that’s a question in the moment, or by gently discussing it with them later. Showing that you understand the damage that assumptions can cause will make LGBTQ+ people feel more included.
*be mindful that they might know something you don’t, so tact is important!
From my own experience, the greatest gift someone who’s part of the LGBTQ+ community in the workplace is an environment in which they feel they can be themselves without judgement. They may or may not advertise their identity, but by making an inclusive environment in which they know that coming out isn’t going to invite constant assumptions, you give LGBTQ+ people the choice to decide what is best for them, and make them feel more included in the workplace.
Looking for workshops around the topic of inclusion? Want to hear more of Madelaine’s insights? Why not check out our workshop, Inclusion Is For Everyone, facilitated by Madelaine Jones, or else contact us to see what else we can do to help you.
