Challenge Without Conflict: Calling Out Colleagues
Not sure how to challenge problematic behaviour at work without ‘rocking the boat’?
Here are four tools that can be useful in softly calling out colleagues in the workplace without creating conflict.
At some point, the chances are that we have all been in a situation at work where we didn’t feel we could challenge someone even though we disagreed. Whether it was an admin decision, such as our boss deciding to change accounting software, or a personal issue (enter that colleague going on an unsolicited and unfair rant about a teammate), it can sometimes feel better just to ‘shut up and put up’, rather than causing trouble and disagreeing openly.
When it comes to challenging issues around identity, the stakes are higher - but so is the risk. Many of us have had the experience when a colleague cracks an offensive joke, and there’s a sharp intake of breath in the room. Many of us have also experienced the inner monologue debating how best to deal with it: Do they know how offensive they are being? Have I missed some context and misinterpreted? Am I safe to challenge here, or is it going to put me at risk, personally or professionally? Or the old time favourite: Is it worth the conflict?
The answer is it’s always worth doing something. By letting problematic opinions and behaviours in the workplace go entirely unchallenged, you are inherently condoning it, and contributing to a hostile workplace by your inaction. That said, whether you yourself are on the receiving end of the problematic behaviour in question, or are anxious to step in as a bystander, it is often easier said than done.
So what is the solution? Well, action doesn’t necessarily have to mean conflict. There are steps you can take to signal that something is not acceptable, or ensure it won’t happen again, with a ‘softer’ approach. While these tools are not fool-proof or suitable for every person and situation, they can be useful in situations in which you are not comfortable, able, or safe to directly challenge people. We’ve started the conversations with four of our favourites below:
Use Humour To Make Your Point
Particularly useful when: someone is ‘just joking’.
Sometimes, using humour or a light-hearted comeback can make the point clearly that you are not happy with a situation, behaviour or something that has been expressed. By this, we don’t mean you should crack back an equally offensive joke - but a well-placed response can sometimes speak volumes in a way that shuts down the microaggression in question without any overt conflict.
A great example is given by Dr. Sue, a Chinese-American professor who finds that people often assume his English is not going to be good. Whenever someone says to him “Your English is good!”, Dr. Sue’s response is “So is yours!”. The response, while light-hearted, quickly points out to people the incorrect assumptions that they’ve made without creating tension in the room.
Obviously, this requires a quick wit, and is not going to be suitable in every situation. But if you notice particular patterns in something a colleague says, does or assumes, preparing a pithy response can be a great way to signal that the behaviour is not OK.
Echo And Correct
Particularly useful when: the colleague is getting terminology wrong.
When you are learning a language and pronounce something incorrectly, one of the surest ways to pick up the right idea is to listen to how a native speaker responds and says the terms correctly. And in some contexts, this can work for inclusive language as well.
For example:
If someone asks you a question and consistently uses the wrong pronoun for a colleague?
Pointedly use the right one in your answer.
If someone uses an outdated term for a particular minority group?
Be sure to echo back the structure of their question, but change the offending language.
People are sponges, and they absorb the language that is used around them. By making sure you (implicitly) correct any problematic language, you are setting the tone, and raising the bar. Granted, you are unlikely to change someone’s mind by doing this, but if they absorb some of your language, you might help to change their behaviour. At the very least, it will signal what you think is acceptable, both to the person in question and any surrounding colleagues.
Pull Them Aside Later
Particularly useful when: you know the person well enough for a 1-to-1 chat.
Just as providing feedback in a group environment can cause people to get defensive, sometimes calling people out in public can cause more of a reaction than grabbing someone for a private chat. If you know the colleague well enough for a 1-to-1, taking them aside to talk through why you felt uncomfortable later can be a useful tactic in making sure they understand how the room felt about their words or behaviour, and is particularly effective in cases where the person doesn’t realise they were being offensive.
The downside to this is that it makes your support less visible, so in the short term any marginalised groups may feel that the behaviour has gone unchallenged and not feel supported. Hopefully, if you’ve approached this in a way that has a lasting impact on the colleague who was causing the difficulty, in the long term it could create a better and more welcoming environment for everybody.
Don’t Hide Your Body Language
Particularly useful when: you’re too anxious to speak.
Standing up to injustice or discrimination can be difficult, particularly if you are on the receiving end of it, or have an anxiety disorder. Sometimes, people freeze. Sometimes, words are difficult to find in the heat of the moment. But often, your body is communicating even if your words are not.
Body language is an exceptionally powerful, and often overlooked, tool in expressing that behaviour is not OK. If someone uses inappropriate or discriminatory language, it might in some contexts be appropriate to flinch or look down. Potentially you might want to catch the gaze of a colleague for reassurance. You might find yourself instinctively crossing your arms.
All of these signals are visible to the offending colleague and anybody else present, and make it clear where you stand even if you are unable to say anything. It is not a particularly effective tool in changing the person’s mind or behaviour - but it is at least a sign that you do not agree with or condone that behaviour in a situation in which you are too anxious to react verbally in the moment. Even if you are unable to speak up in that moment, it may give someone else to courage and support to be able to.
Want to consider more about how to practically challenge conflict, or repair your own EDI mistakes in the workplace? Check out our online courses. We have a range of micro-courses launching in Summer/Autumn 2023.
